Silent Football

What is Silent Football?

Silent Football is played with at least three, preferably 7 or more players, one of whom is Mr. Dictator (usually regardless of gender). These players sit in a circle so that everyone can see every player's knees. This circle of players is called "The Universe" and everything outside the universe does not exist and are hallucinations. When the game starts free speech is revoked and players may not speak unless called upon by Mr. Dictator. Players pass the Silent Football and try as hard as they can not to screw up. If a player screws up he or she may be awarded Penance Points. When a player reaches 5 Penance Points, the game is over, the player has lost, and all other players have not lost. Alternatively, when the game is forced to end, those player with five or more Penance Points lose. Also if the game ends prematurely, some versions require the player with the most points to "lose". The player(s) who loose must perform an embarrassing action. This can be very funny.

A rumors that was rampant during LAN 05.2 was that at midnight each night, the RAs would play silent football, leaving the halls unsupervised. This was tested and the results were that although there were no silent football games, that halls were, indeed, left unsupervised.

Player Names

In Silent Football, players do not keep their names from outside of the universe.

Players go around The Universe and choose names for themselves. There are 3 parts to any name:

1. The words
   • The words can be anything ones heart desires. Keep it kinda short, and if it has any heinous pronouns (these will be covered later) the name must be in quotes
2. Tone
   • One may use as silly a tone as one wishes, if a player uses a low deep ruble then all players referring to the player must say the name using a similar low deep grumble.
3. Gestures
   • If any gestures are used when saying the name then that gesture must be mimicked everytime one refers to the player.

In some versions all players' (both boys and girls) must be addressed starting with "mister." This rule is not usually enforced at Lancaster, but is sometimes done anyway. --

The Dictator

The Dictator is usually simply chosen by consensus, but methods may vary.

Offensive Moves

There are to offensive moves in Silent Football.

Fwap

The first offensive move is called the Fwap (sometimes also called the "Thwap"). One performs a fwap by hitting one's knees in combinations of right knee and left knee. One must hit their right knee with their right hand and their left knee with their left hand. Doing otherwise would be silly, and a player may recieve Penance Points.

Every hit of the right knee moves the Silent Football a space to the right. Every hit of the left knee moves the Silent Football one space to the left. One may hit their knees in any combination of rights and lefts with a few restrictions.

• At no time may the Silent Football exceed 3 spaces to the right or left of a player.
• At no time may one pass the Silent Football to or through oneself. This is called a Cold Rush of Air and can turn you skin into monster or peanuts, depending on the Dictator.
• If one receives the Silent Football from a fwap, a player may not change the direction of said fwap.
• A player may fwap a fwap, but no player may fwap a fwapped fwap.
• By some rules a fwap may only last 5 seconds.
• If a fwap is interupted, (either by someone raising their hand, or by someone trying to pass the silent football during a pause in the fwap), the fwap continues on as if nothing has happened.

Zoom

The second offensive move is called the Zoom. The zoom is performed by making a fist and extending one's straighted arm in any direction. You must make direct eye contact with the player you wish to zoom to, though you need not point your fist at them (this can be quite confusing). The player whom you make eye contact to is passed the silent football.

• A player may zoom a zoom, but a player may not zoom a zoomed zoom.

Defensive Moves

Shrug

The first defensive move is the Shrug. The shrug is performed just as the name implies. One raises one's shoulders. The shrug passes the Silent Football back to the player whom passed it.

• One may shrug a shrug, but one may never shrug a shrugged shrug.

Shrotum

The second defensive move is the Shrotum. The shrotum is performed by taking one's left hand and placing it horizontally across one's chest. Then placing one's right elbow on one's left fingers, and placing one's right fingers on one's temple. The shrotum passes the Silent Football back to the player whom passed it.

• One may shrotum a shrotum, but one may never shrotum a shrotumed shrotum.

Now you may ask, why two moves? They do the same thing. Wrong. They are different. They are pronounced differently, they are spelled differently, and they are performed differently. Another important rule about shrotums and shrugs, and this is the most important rule. Breaking this rule is like dividing the universe by zero and will cause the universe and everyone in it to scream out in pain.

ONE MAY NEVER SHRUG A SHROTUM OR SHROTUM A SHRUG

However, according to current physics theories, there exists a multiverse, in which universes can have different laws, so in at least one foreign universe one may shrug a shrotum but not shrotum a shrug. This universe is extremely foreign, but players should know it exists.

Tattling

If one sees a player break one of the rules of Silent Football a player may raise one's hand in order to inform Mr. Dictator of the rule breaking. Here is the proper procedure for tattling:

1. Raise your hand
2. Wait to be addressed by Mr. Dictator
3. The first two words out of a player's mouth must be Mr. Dictator.
4. State your concern

There are a few restrictions to your speech.

• One may never refer to a player by their real name, at the beginning one gives themself an in-game name.
• One may not refer to other players using pronouns, for pronouns degrade people and make them feel bad.
  • One may refer to yourself with pronouns such as I, me, or my.
  • One may refer to hallucinations with pronouns, for they are not people.
  • When tattling on a player for using a heinous pronoun one must encase the pronoun in quotes by saying
    • "Mr. Dictator, player X has used the heinous pronoun quote he unquote."
  • Airquotes are not quotes. They indicate love of bunny rabbits. If airquotes are used, then one will be asked if one loves bunny rabbits. If one says no, then one will receive penance points for perjury.

Hallucinations

All that exists is The Universe. If one reacts to a person or thing outside of The Universe one is obviously reacting to hallucinations which are the result of hallucinogens.

• Food and drink are part of the universe and are not hallucinations.
• Clothes and everything else brought into the Universe at the start of the game exists.
• If a hallucination blocks view of knees then Mr. Dictator may allow the Universe to lick and/or tackle said hallucination. Miss Celo may also institue a Jihad against such hallucinations.
• If one pulls up grass, one must eat it. Otherwise it is not food and is a hallucination. Alterantively, one will be diagnosed with having sexual tension and will be asked to describe the person or object that induced such. A favorite answer to this, of course, is "your mom". Who, of course, is a halluciation. This answer offers more problems than answers.

Jihad

Mr. Dictator can call a Jihad upon noticing that a hallucination is interfering too often or too drastically. Jihad is different for different groups, some groups even physically beat the hallucinations.

Losing Silent Football

Once one has attained 5 penance points one has lost. Alternatively, when the game is forced to end, those players with five or more Penance Points lose. Also if the game ends prematurely, some versions require the player with the most points to "lose". The Universe must decide proper compensation for having disrupted The Universe so deeply. The loser must perform an embarrassing action. For example dressing up funny for a whole day. However, this cannot involve unwillful volunteers. For instance, having to rape and/or grab the buttocks of that attractive head cheerleader is not acceptable penance unless said cheerleader agrees to it.

--Jeff Sachs 14:58, 10 Aug 2005 (MST)