Essay: How To Be A One Hit Wonder

How to be a One Hit Wonder

It will all start when a friend from a camp devoted to a religion you no longer practice will discover your age and inform you that you have to go to CTY the following summer. When asked why, he will say simply that he thinks you would love it. You will think nothing of this, at least not until another good friend of yours from school says the same thing. Both show you their mad raving skills, and both show you just by being themselves how fantastic a place it will be. You won't know it yet, but you will be more thankful to them than you have ever been to anyone previously. Decide to go. Hope you won't regret it.

Before you arrive you have to have your first meal at Waffle House. Try their All-Star Special, even if you don't like half of it. Laugh loudly at your families obvious disgust at the quality of the food, and shake your head sadly when you have to finish theirs. Make sure to talk in an ironic southern accent whenever possible, despite how horribly stereotypical it might be.

Upon arriving at CTY, make sure not to walk into your dorm until halfway through the hall meeting. Smile awkwardly as your conservative parents clash with the college-like attitude of the campus. Sit down, shut up, and listen to your RA talk. Go to bed knowing a solid two people's names, neither of which are your roommate.

During class, the safest approach is not to talk, so say as much as possible. Keep your comments scholarly (at least for the first week and a half) despite your complete lack of knowledge on the subject. Make sure your entire class ships you and the girl next to you - read her poetry over her shoulder, have awkward conversations, and generally be cute in order to better propagate the 12-year-olds fantasies - despite her being lesbian and you being, well, a guy.

That night at quad time, this girl and another will drag you "against your will" into the middle of the festivities. Be warned, you will date this other one by the end of the week. Pretend to be simultaneously horrible at dancing and quite adept at it.

Back at the hall, take the week slowly. Make sure they think you have some semblance of an idea of what you are doing. Find someone experienced to help you understand the customs and traditions of CTY. Play chess with the best player in your hall until you finally beat him, though it won't be for almost a week and will rarely happen again. When one of two other hall mates in your class leaves because he is unhappy, pretend not to care too much. It's not your fault, after all, is it?

At the first dance, go crazy. Dance with anyone and everyone, be stripped by the Pedo-Bear, and notice how attractive this one other guy is, despite his having a girlfriend - you will be much more restricted the next night. Set yourself up as an attractive, single teenager to pique peoples interest - be warned, it won't last long.

CTY has a nice butt,
CTY we love you.
Forevermore, forevermore,
CTY we love you.

Spend your Saturday with your soon-to-be-girlfriend mostly just talking. You will spend over ninety percent of that nights dance with her. Cut your toe badly playing soccer barefoot, even though you weren't even supposed to be in the tournament and when you joined you were just a coach. Even though you didn't win a game, you guys won in spirit. Your hall mates will make you late to the dance, but you and several others will somehow manage to convince your RA to lessen the restrictions slightly. You will indeed attend the after dance. At said dance, meet up with her and avoid awkward questions, finally deciding that the two of you should figure out the answers. Are you dating? Did the twelve-year-olds revised fantasies come true?

Yes.

Take her aside to talk, and explain to her that you are scared of dating because last time it went horribly, and quite probably was the beginning of your prolonged depression. As you talk, she will grab you and jam her face against yours. After about five seconds you will regain control of yourself. At this point, kiss back and revel in the taste of her lips.

On Sunday you will spend almost the entire day with her. Your first date will be watching Wall-E in a confined space. Watch, but also have some fun while you're at it. Have a blast at hall bonding, and then realize with sadness that your freedom is over - class has resumed.

The next week will pass quickly. Your teacher will switch the focus of the class from Poetry to Prose, but that's ok. It's almost as fun. Really, though, apart from her you will think almost entirely about the upcoming Ultimate Tournament. Attempt to be patient: it won't work.

Get into a prolonged argument about a very controversial topic with some friends of yours. When everyone disagrees with you including yourself, realize that you failed once again to argue intelligently, instead reverting back to the Catholic training you received for the first fifteen years of your life. Be disgusted with yourself, as you have tried to put all that behind you. Try and fail to cut yourself, then get even angrier because you can't even do that right. Take a red pen and mimic the marks, just to let out a little of your anger. Tell no one, not even your girlfriend, but she will find out anyway. She knows you too well, even after only a week and a half. Hug her and tell her you won't do it again. Lying's not so bad, is it?

During class, a friend will write in your book, "She said you tried to hurt yourself and you're not allowed to ever no matter what because I don't want you to get addicted to it." Hug her quietly.

Finally, the weekend will arrive. Despite being called a traitor for refusing to be on the hall team for Ultimate, take solace in the fact that your team will win, both in spirit and for real. Take a short, needed, insufficient break before the staff game. Your team leader will shout Aragorn's speech at the Black Gates, and the game will begin. The staff will be faster and more rested, but put up a good fight anyway. Play well until the very end, when you drop two easy passes because you're so tired, but there are no subs for you due to injuries. Still, it was only a one point game. Know that you played well, but that you could have played better.

That night will be the first and only outdoor dance. It's not nearly as much fun, but you and she just lie down and talk on the grass, so it's really ok. Get called out for making out when you're not, then get affronted because you'd at least like to be doing what they get mad at you for. Do it. The second dance will be fantastically uneventful. You will spend most of it with her, but nothing much actually happens. Oh well, it's fun anyway. This time the RA's anger is justified.

CTY has a nice butt,
CTY we love you.
Take off your clothes, take of your clothes,
CTY we love you.

This will be your last Sunday at camp. Worship your childhood hero with a showing of the Half-Blood Prince. Don't pay super-close attention, as it is easily the worst of the eight movies, but still have a good time advancing to the proverbial third base. Ignore furtive glances in your direction; they're just jealous.

When the opportunity to watch what is described to you as the worst movie ever making it the best which makes it the worst which makes it the best movie you will ever see comes along, take it gladly, but when she does not get that same opportunity fail to enjoy the movie all that much. Halfway through Starcrash, discover angrily that two of your hall mates will be kicked from Lancaster for an admittedly heinous crime, but one that the victim was not mad about. You should know, he was in your class. Leave during the break to say goodbye. Never get the papers that they wanted to give you due to the administration, but still promise to give one of their Passionfruit speeches. Don't return to the movie, and simply staunchly refuse to watch clouds with your girlfriend.

The next day you will receive the opportunity to be alone with her in a dark theatre once more, watching A Very Potter Sequel. Take this unique chance to run between bases while simultaneously singing nerdily along. Don't worry, she loves it. Understand sadly that you missed the last Acting Improv, but know it was worth it. Probably.

Wonder how you got through Wednesday. Shake that feeling away and proceed to Thursday, the last dance. Decide to stay with your girlfriend after camp. Decide you probably would be miserable otherwise. Decide you love her. Dress up for the Yule Ball and wonder at her beauty, despite how the dress keeps slipping due to her bust size. Don't complain. Why would you?

CTY has a nice brain,
CTY we love you.
These words are imposed,
These words are imposed,
CTY we love you.

That night, hang out with many of the Alcovians, including the Jester, the Pedo-Bear who stripped you, and that extremely attractive but taken guy. It's okay though, because now neither of you are single. Regret dating her before kissing any of these super cute boys, but shrug your doubts away - she's worth it. Have a blast, watch anime cowboys in space, hear jokes both good and bad (but laugh at all because it's 3:00 AM), and listen to their RA talk about literature for hours. Fall asleep during this, not because it's boring but because you have yet to do so. It's only an hour. Be thankful to the Jester for waking you up in time.

At Passionfruit, try not to cry. You will fail, but hold it off as long as possible. Listen to speeches. They're all amazing, but some will really stick out. Your lesbian ship-mate with her anxiety problems, your girlfriend sobbing near the end, the Jester explaining CTY like it was Doctor Who, the Fiend saying that she had once hated herself as you do now, this one gender-fluid guy who you never really got to know but who you wish you had saying that this fantastic place helped him find himself in an incredibly inspiring way. So many more. Now it's your turn. Take a deep breath. Try to phrase everything in your head. You will want to say how much everyone here means to you. You will want to say how much this place has changed you. How much better you are from having been here. How it very well might have saved your life. You will want to tell them how messed up you were before, and how it's getting better. How this place, this fantastic place, has made you better. And you will want to tell everyone here who is coming back not to waste it, to tell them how quickly it goes by (though they doubtless know that by now), and you will want to tell them everything that happened; but there is no way you will have time for all of that, so instead you'll just say this.

"Hey guys." You voice will shake just a bit, so you will speed up your speaking in order to try and cover this fact. "Uhh, before I read the speech that I totally wrote instead of falling asleep to this awesome RA talking about literature, I'm going to read a friend's, who couldn't be here today." Flip out your phone. "'Most of you guys know what happened and why I'm not here, but sometimes you can't worry about things that you can't control. Even when it isn't fair. In enjoyed being here and met a lot of great people. I'll miss all of you guys and I wish everyone the best.' So, uhh, yeah. I'm what you call a One-Hit-Wonder." Pause, look around. "This is my first time here, and it's my last. These three weeks - they were the best of my life. I've met so many amazing people: my fantastic girlfriend, my hall, my class, countless others. Thank you for everything." Choke up here. "I love CTY so fucking much," except you hadn't meant to curse. "I'm going to miss you all. Fuck. I don't normally cry, but here I am. Crying. And I love the Passionfruit." Pick up your miniature SKL and sit back down.

You will cry. If now isn't the time to, then when is?

Say your goodbyes. You will never see some of these people again. At this point you will be sobbing uncontrollably. That's okay, though, because if you don't you'll explode. You won't stop crying for almost half an hour, but you'll be able to hide it at the end. The rest of the day will eventually end in a dull ache that won't go away. You'll arrive home and realize how miserable life away from CTY is going to be. But before all this, before even the Passionfruit ends and class begins, during one of your many goodbyes, someone will whisper the words that will cement new changes in your life.

CTY will teach you that you are valuable, that people do care about you, and that you do matter to them. Through your girlfriends glowing face whenever she looks at you, the bright smiles of your friends, the way you will be accepted, the way you will be loved. Through your younger friends insisting that they don't want you to leave, multiple people crying about it, through the fact that you don't want to either, that you don't want to leave all these fantastic people. And in this one girl's words, she will let you know that you were not imagining it. That everything you learned at CTY is true, and that your life is indeed worth living.

"I'm so glad that you had this one year, and I'm so glad that CTY had you."