HUB Donuts

The Holland Union Building, also known as "The HUB," contains the cafeteria for Dickinson College and CTY Carlisle. This cafeteria, in turn, contains food. Included in the category of "food" are the HUB donuts.

This is exciting because the HUB donuts are wonderful. Having tasted them and been enamoured by their scrumptuous flavor, one adventurous CTYer came to the conclusion that they weren't just good, or even really good. They were orgasmically good.

Our CTYer, having had the "birds and the bees" talk, knew that the concept of "orgasm" was intimately related to the concept of "sex." If the HUB donuts were really orgasmically good, they had to be related to sex. He made a daring hypothesis.

1. HUB donuts are sex.

Specifically, he claimed that the HUB donuts were gustable manifestations of sexual activity, thus accounting for their extremely satisfying qualities. This was further corroborated by the fact that he had been struck by an urge to actually make out with a donut he had been eating toward the end of the session before this one. Everything was falling into place.

However, further discoveries were in store. Since the donuts at the HUB were many and varied, in looks, taste, and tastiness, he theorized that each donut represented a different kind of sexual activity, with a corresponding level of orgasmic sensation. Thus, he deemed it necessary to classify each donut by the activity it represented, and moved from there. He began with his favorite, chocolate coconut, deemed that it must be a threesome (because two is always better than one, just like coconut is always better than a lack of coconut) and went from there.

But not all was well. He noticed that some of his so-called friends were indulging in donuts which, for lack of a better word, could only be deemed "disgusting", such as vanillia iced with peanuts. Therefore, he deemed that such donuts were symbols of sexual perversion, such as incest and bestiality, since...well, come on guys. Vanilla with peanuts. That's nasty.

A list was formulated by that CTYer, of the wondrous pastries and all they represented. Now, from Philip Ippy Chowzor himself, the Great List of Donut Sexuality.

Sexual Cool Things that are Smiled upon by the Gods:

Chocolate Icing: Threesome (changed after the elevation of chocolate with coconut to "orgy"
Chocolate Icing with Coconut: Orgy (because it's that darn tasty)
Vanilla Icing: Quickie (just plain vanilla, you know?)
Vanilla Icing with Chocolate Splotches: Phone Sex
Chocolate Icing with Vanilla Splotches: Cyber Sex
Chocolate Icing with Rainbow Sprinkles: Lesbian Sex
Vanilla Icing with Rainbow Sprinkles: Gay Sex
Chocolate Icing with Chocolate Sprinkles: Kinky Sex
Vanilla Icing with Chocolate Sprinkles: Tangent Sex
Vanilla Icing with Coconut: Doggie Style
Bagels: Masturbation, because they are almost as good, but ultimatily a cheap imitation of Donuts (Edit by Emily, you knew this was coming: HUB Bagels are neither bagels nor good... ergo, no, totally not masturbation. Try again.)--(Edit Edit by Ippy: It was decreed that cookies and muffins collectively account for varying and sundry forms of masturbation, as many of them are rather good, while others kind of suck. That accounts for the less successful methods. Bagels were indeed considered masturbation at one point, but objections such as Emily's popped up enough so that they were relegated to the realms of....lack of sex.)

Sexual Perversions that are not Smiled upon by the Gods:

Chocolate Icing with Peanuts: Incest
Vanilla Icing with Peanuts: Pyronecrobestiality
Strawberry Icing with Peanuts: Normal Bestiality
Maple Icing with Peanuts: Verily, this is an Abomination Terrible to Behold.

(Edit: Ippy, stop being an attention-strumpet. If something you do is really cool, someone ELSE will write an entry about it. Love and kisses, Marxi)

(Edit: My dear Marxi, I beg to differ... I would have written an entry about HUB donuts, however, I couldn't find the words. Although I will admit our beloved Ippy/Phil is an ego-maniac and a narcissist. Hugs, Rachel)

(Edit Edit Edit: Ippy would like to point out that someone actually made a little blurb under "Traditions" on the Carlisle page about the HUB donuts. Since they weren't actually a tradition, I edited it out of there, but decided to make up for it with an article. So, somebody DID actually write about it first. Sort of. So HA! Love you Marxi. And Rachel, thank you for your support. Hugs for everyone.)