Quotebook

This is a documentation of all quotes in the Lancaster quotebooks. For information about the position, go to the Other Lancaster Positions page.

Session 1

09.1: Zoe M.

1. Rachel L.: Go Alyssa!
Sam R.: Alyssa, go!
Rachel: Do it!
RA Clare: Do we have peer pressure here? (6/28)
2. We can see from feets away. –RA Clare-
3. What if we’re little angels? -Alex N.-
4. Why would I brag about being Lithuanian? -Alex N.-
5. Being late sometimes is good for the soul, unless it’s your period. –Zoe M.-
6. We have been given a fresh start, and the condiments that accompany a fresh start. –SD Debbie-
7. No one has been executed for swinging their lanyard…YET. -Academic Counselors video-
8. Think of the rules as… ‘helpers.’ -DRL Matt-
9. Paris isn’t random! -Margaret D.-
10. Staff members need to be able to tell in an instant whether you are a CTY student or a ninja spy. –Frank Wang-
11. The final exam will just be to pronounce my last name. –TA Mike-
12. Her favorite show is Gossip Girl, which gives us nothing in common. –Seth G.-
13. Jackson Pollock attacked me. –Sam R.- (6/29)
14. Zoe: The Internet has everything you need.
Margaret: Like pedophiles!
15. Classy with a K. –Margaret-
16. Alliteration! I love alliteration! –Instructor Robin de la Llata-
17. Robin: Now this is interesting.
Alex N: It’s a butt.
18. These women aren’t as enamored of their bottoms. –Rachel-
19. Emos don’t wear green. –Seth-
20. If you wear this watch, you will get laid. I promise. –Alex N.-
21. He’s not married! He doesn’t have the body to be married! –Alex N.-
22. This ad would appeal to Pedobear. –Zoe-
23. Because the kissing rule is two seconds are less, can the rule be described as the 2 second rule as applied to CTYers? –Joe L.-
24. Dan, are you flashing people again this year? –Zoe-
25. Awwww! Ryan didn’t orgasm! –Alex “Shoff” B.-
26. Just don’t take your pants off. –Rebecca Christina Catherine “Little Pickle” K.-
28. Maryland is just too shitty for people to want to think about it long enough to make it a callback. –Wesley-
29. Zoe: See, that’s the IKEA nesting instinct. It has everything white people like.
Wesley: IKEA has porn now?
30. “gendered patterns of courtship rituals” –textbook-
31. Remember….there is zero indifference for improper coughing techniques. –Thomas Hall whiteboard by AC office-
32. Loie W.: Are these new headphones?
Ian G.: No, they’re old.
Loie: *sigh * They feel new.
33. It smells like paint. –Rachel-
34. If your girlfriend is touching you, you should not be thinking about your mother! –Alex N.-
35. With that face, he looks like a contemplative dinosaur. -Sam R.-
36. The camera has a “male gaze.” –Robin-
37. Ryan is as sharp as a rave stick! (misheard: ray of light) –THEO A-
38. We can be wandering llamas! –Alex N.-
39. Eating a whole tin of mints makes you know what time it is? –Andy Smith-
40. Aren’t I the definition of gay? –Erik G.-
41. The sausage is a good thing. –William S.-
42. Declan K.: Thanks, Zoe. I was really hoping you were gonna stop me before I actually took my shirt off.
Shoff: I wasn’t!
43. Declan: How much was that fedora?
Zoe: $15 plus getting boob tagged by the vendor.
44. Matt S.: So what are you talking about?
Shoff: Sex!
Matt: Great!
45. Erik: I thought your voice would be deep but instead it’s all WHEEEEEEEE!!
Andy: I think that means “stop talking.”
46. They’re too happy to be making gravy. –Zoe-
47. My mom helped-for-it-bought it. Wow, I….talk good. -Sam R-
48. Zoe: “McDreamy plumber?”
Ian G: That’s the guy on the left.
Rachel: As opposed to the one on the right with no legs.
49. MAKE YOUR CHILDREN LOVE YOU 101 (take them to San Diego) –pop cult poster-
50. –Harmful.
-My refrigerator!
-Apples to Apples-
51. Oh my god, pyramids! –Alex N.-
52. You stuck WHAT? WHERE? –A2A card, “body piercing”
53. Ryan G: Is that a female unicorn?
Shoff: I don’t know yet.
54. Is that a purity ring, Alex? –Lilly C.-
55. If you’re going to assault me, at least do it correctly! –Aleksandr “Sasha” A.
56. That’s a pretty screwed up Hitler salute. –Wesley-
57. I don’t know what the album is but…RAINBOW! –Erik- (in reference to my Dark Side of the Moon jacket)
58. I’m going to look through this quotebook and think “Another gay comment! Another gay comment! Why are all my comments gay?” –Erik-
59. I’m gonna get to pie Frank in the face! I’m gonna get to pie Frank in the face! –Russian Sam
60. You don’t need to show her bare back to advertise breath mints. –Sydney S.-
61. Zoe: Who is that? Is that Katy Perry?
Margaret: No, that’s Katy Perry’s mom!
62. Mr. Dictator is not food! –Elena K.-
63. Zoe: *extremely high noise*
Max R.: Was that a Pidgey?
64. Oh my God, it sucks being naked in this room! –Loie-
65. There are kids in Siberia, you know! –Sasha- (7/1)
66. GUYS! I am not a scratching post, and you are not kitties! –Sasha-
67. RUSH!
His hair is so lush!
He makes my heart flush!
His generosity makes me gush!
And when he hits me it makes a sound like…SKRUSH!!!
-Joey B.-
68. Guys, don’t pick on Seth. He doesn’t have a hand fetish. Or a foot fetish. –Margaret-
69. The Rapist? In a box?
-Whut?
-THERAPIST!
-overheard in bookstore-
70. Johnny T.: Who are you?
Zoe: I’m Alex from A Clockwork Orange.
Johnny: Oh. I thought you were an emo person.
71. What? Am I not a pretty fairy too? –Sasha-
72. Maddie S.: A bunch of people will run fast…
Rachel: Noooo…
Maddie: They will trot!
73. It’s like being a hippie, but more…sad. –Rachel-
74. Maybe hippies were invented when love was invented. We just didn’t call them hippies yet. –Sasha-
75. Which came first, the hippie or the egg? –Declan-
76. It would be more pleasing if it was bigger. –Sasha-
77. Where Frankfurt at? –Max-
78. I like your thigh. –Layna G-
79. Censorship is fascism! Death to America! I mean…what? –Wesley-
80. It’s a very important theorem! I don’t understand what’s wrong with you people! –Sasha- (7/2)
81. Sasha: Joe, now that you’re a cripple we have to come up with a better scenario.
Joe: I’m thinking bone marrow.
82. I wonder if using me as an armrest counts as PDA. –claim it-
83. You look like a rabid hyena in a bear cap! Drinking coffee! –claim it-
84. We don’t want your swine flu here! –Shoff-
85. Andy: Are you molesting Ryan?
Zoe: No, I’m petting Ryan. Ryan is a cat.
Andy: YOU MOLEST CATS?
86. Antioxidants! And red food coloring! –Lilly-
87. I’ve been looking for a soul mate forever-a guy who can play Slide really fast. He’s out there somewhere, I know it! –Lilly-
88. Is this really awkward, if you know what I mean? –Fifi Y-
89. Alex N: I’m going to make my entire target audience Mike.
Sam R: It’s for hipsters?
Alex N: No, it’s for old people.
90. It’s like a grass orgy, but it’s not a grass orgy. –claim it-
91. Where’s my cleavage bear? –Faye E-
92. This is a phallic object, and I wish to blow it up. –Russian Sam-
93. This is no longer phallic, just painful. –Russian Sam-
94. There’s a reason why it’s never lupus. It’s boring. –Sasha-
95. I did not spend half an hour making a penis! –Sasha-
96. Zoe: You’re Nick Marcou’s brother!
Theodore Marcou: I go by Sanchez.
97. Will Frank Wang be a test subject for pickup lines? –ACW (Art of Courting and Wooing)
98. Wanna get scolded by MY Frank Wang? –Katelin S-
99. HIMYNAMEISJESSEBORINGANDMYMOMSAYSI’DMAKEAREALLYGOODHUSBAND! –AC Jesse-
100. –Can I say a pickup line?
-If it’s appropriate.
-Then what’s the point?
-ACW-
101. –What do you do if you like someone in your class?
Russian Sam: SURPRISE! Buttsecks!
102. What do you do about pimps? –claim it, ACW-
103. Jesse: Imagine the most precious thing in the world walking around on the earth.
Russian Sam: A walking electron microscope!
104. Jesse: Don’t break up over the phone, or online.
Russian Sam: Especially not on 4Chan!
105. Once I realize that a girl is dumping me, I interrupt her, say “I’m dumping you,” and walk away. –Joey B-
106. Frank Wang is married to the Universe. –Shoff-
107. I wrote the best selling self help book of all time: How To Masturbate Your Way to a Bigger Penis. –Anonymous staff member-
108. Everything everyone said in my dreams was written by Oscar Wilde. –Rachel-
109. They’re boys. They may be pretty but they’re stupid. Because they’re boys. –Zoe-
110. With a name like that, you have to start a Celtic metal band! –Zoe (in reference to Ceilidh B)
111. YOU’RE IRISH! –Colin S (reaction to seeing Ceilidh’s ID card)
112. Just because she’s blonde doesn’t mean anything. –Margaret-
113. She’s got two concubines. All the rest of you are just odalisques. –Zoe-
114. Who’s a good good boy from copular pulture? –Rachel-
115. Totes was, all the way, man! –Alex N.-
116. LGBT, as in Lay, Gesbian, Bi, Trans. –RA Shannon-
117. RA Shannon: Has everyone heard about Chanel’s purple duck umbrella?
Everyone:*groan*
118. Hi Joe! I can seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! –Faye (7/3)
119. I love getting impromptu showers in the middle of breakfast! –Russian Sam-
120. Alex N: I’m representing Lithuanians on CTY Loves Day.
Sam R: Are you Lithuanian?
Alex N: No!
121. She poked my liver! –Layna-
122. “mesomorphically chiseled” –Pop Cult
123. Have you seen the big bad booty daddy Scott Steiner lately? He’s totally brolic. –TA Mike-
124. My water bottle makes really weird noise, like a fish tank. –Lilly-
125. I adopted a squirrel. Her name is Rachel. And she is small and I am small and my name is Rachel. –Rachel-
126. He can read Curious George, you guys. Just sayin. –Loie-
127. If only I were straight! That would have been a good scene. –Erik-
128. I know 12 ways to kill a man with a lemon. –Max (AI, Park Bench)-
129. Maddie: What are you?
Elena: The carcass of Park Bench!
130. I wish I’d gotten vaccinated! –claim it (AI, unknown game)
131. Elena: You’re a handcuff slut!
Maddie: No, you are a handcuff slut! Remember the first day we got these?
132. This is my roommate Chris and if he’s not funny I’ll murder him in his sleep! –Sasha-
134. Do the Colin kid! –Elena-
135. This guy’s allergic to capitalism! –Sasha (AI, Party Quirks)-
136. You have a door made of human flesh. –Sasha (AI, Party Quirks)-
137. Money is bad. You should move to China.-Alex K. (AI, Park Bench)-
138. Good old American bondage doesn’t exist anymore. –Maddie-
139. I’m sure that if Al Gore was a bunny, he’d be offended. –Andy-
140. All pronouns should be encased in protection! –Elena-
141. 199 Wizarding World babies! –Alex L-
142. I’m not good with English! –Elena-
143. The term is dictatorship, not monarchy, as Mr. Dictator is Mr. Dictator, not Mr. Monarch! –Turtle-
144. I protest all people offended by my sign! Recursion recursion recursion! –Turtle-
145. Players who can’t count will be awarded 1/9 of one penance point. –Elena-
146. By the end of the night, I will be fit for human consumption. –Sam Bauman-
147. Now I know I’m in Pennsylvania! I can see Pennsylvania! –Owen Whitney-
148. You’re like a teddy bear, but cuter! –Erik- (7/4)
149. Zoe: Inventor of the time cube.
Claim it: Sarah Palin!
Max: Probably.
150. –Dramatic.
-Microsoft!
-A2A-
151. I kissed a nerd and I liked it! –Erik-
152. Helen Keller would be the best fetish ever. –Turtle-
153. I’m pregnant with almost everyone on campus. –Shoff-
154. I’m sorry for being a spazz-turner-into-er. –Little Pickle-
155. That witchcraft book is amazing. It puts science in quotes! –Sarah Parr-
156. Dot dot dot, BITCHES. –Shoff, Turtle-
157. Pertussis: techno remix! –Turtle-
158. I act like myself until I’m trying to get into a bar. Then I act 21. –Shoff-
159. I’ll tag my own boobs, thank you very much! –Layna-
160. I’m like the goose in the middle of the Universe. –Faye-
161. It hurts! Like the ice pick, it hurts! –Sasha-
162. And then FRANK WANG came. –Sasha-
163. I guess I’ll just talk to Erik’s legs now. –Maddie-
164. Ridiculousness ! Creativity! Ice picks! -Russian Sam-
165. BROTIME! –Brotime-
166. You can just go to Amish country and play calf tag there! –Brandon C-
167. I don’t think I’ve worn pants for all of CTY. –Faye-
168. My butt is dancing. –Sam Reback
169. Zoe: In Germany, drinking age is 16.
Erik: And sex age is…
Sasha: Four. (7/5)
170. Were the words “Sasha’s such a fox” involved? –Arther S
171. Something can be larger than your eyeballs and still be suckable. –Faye-
172. Ari B: What’s worse than a worm in your apple?
Everyone: Half a worm in your apple!
Ari: The Holocaust!!
173. He gets compared to Sonic the Hedgehog because he has spiky hair and a lot of glitter. –Ceilidh B-
174. “Fwappage” –Little Pickle-
175. I’m afraid of Camden. Like, legit. –Maddie-
176. I can’t hear you! I have too much money in my hand! –RA Joey-
177. On a scale of one to supermodel, we’re, like, supermodel. –Alex N.-
178. It’s over 9000 calories! –RA Will-
179. Unlike the cake, the pie is not a lie! –RA Will-
180. Oh, this is where the squirrel attacked me! –girl on Quad-
181. My headphones just got dissed! –Ceilidh-
182. It’s the most romantic song ever written about male prostitution. –Zoe-
183. Girls are so weird! Why can’t they be normal people like guys? –claim it (RA, male)-
184. He flashed himself in the mouth at full power- Sam B. (7/6)
185. That’s such a lousy package! I thought you’d have a bigger one. –Little Pickle-
186. If I get anywhere near a vagina, my face will break out in a “OMG it’s a woman” rash. –Erik-
187. You’re allergic to females? –Andy-
188. World leaders are not a dump truck, they’re a series of Jews! –Turtle-
189. 4chan is not a dump truck, it’s a series of n00bs! –Turtle-
190. The internet is not a dump truck, it’s a series of pedo-oh wait, that doesn’t work. –Josh M-
191. We’re having camera group sex with midgets! –Dan T.-
192. Your camera and mine should have a lovefest. –Dan T.-
193. Camera voyeurism! –Sam B.-
195. My tassels are not boobs! –Sam B.-
196. Declan: For SCIENCE!
Ryan: That’s not science!
197. He has perfect hair! It’s so perfect-y! –Vira Shao-
198. Men in masks! Gotta love them! –Vira-
199. I think you’re allergic to essays. –Andrew Han-
200. This is the first time I’ve ever had tofu that tastes like chicken. –Omar S-
201. That squirrel’s eating wood. –claim it-
202. Wait. How are hawks eating squirrels and jizzing in your pants connected? –Andy-
203. No! You stopped the jizzing! –Ryan G-
204. Are you a Mormon dancer? –me-
205. Rough hewn, alone. Sometimes on a horse. But he had his cigarettes, and later, his cancer.
206. Seth: Boobs.
Robin: BOOOOBS!
207. Can you help me fit my Bawls into a CTY appropriate joke? –Arthur- (AI, Park Bench)
208. You know, because of this collarbone, I haven’t been able to shower in days. Wanna help me? –Joe L.- (AI, Park Bench)
209. I challenge you to a battle of Bawls! –Claim it (AI, Park Bench)-
210. –Can I see your Bawls?
-Don’t hit them!
-*whack*
-They’re already blue!
-AI, Freeze-
211. Claim it: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, how do I not get swine flu?
-One.
Must.
Remove.
Bacon.
From.
Your.
Various.
Orifices.
Period.
-Sphinx-
212. Claim it: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, where can I find more PowerThirst?
Faye: In.
Verity: Your.
Shoff: Mother’s…

• pause*
  

Joe L.: PANTRY!!!!!
213. Oh great! Mighty! Excellent! Beautiful! But not very humble Sphinx! –Ari-
214. Claim it: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, what’s in KFC’s special sauce?
Sphinx: Only.
The.
Universe.
‘s.
Fluids.
Period.
215. Claim it: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, do you ever get tired of answering idiotic questions?
Sphinx: Only.
When.
You.
Ask.
Them.
216. Why won’t it work? I used the Master Ball! –CLAIM IT! (AI, World’s Worst Kidnapper)
217. OH HOT DANG!
Here’s Frank Wang!
The scariest of all the S R As!
You swing your chain, he turns around,
The next you know you going down, down, down down….-Katherine [Something]- (AI, World’s Worst Rapper)
218. I just ate an orange! –Shoff- (AI, World’s Worst Rapper)
219. I support interspecies mating. –Ryan-
220. Napalm is not a good thing to fry burgers in. –claim it- (Improv w/Props)
221. I consider myself a post chauvinist. I don’t even know what that is. –Ryan-
222. Zoe: I miss my sister.
Sam B: I miss your sister too.

• pause*
  

Sam B: And now I feel like I’m in an xkcd comic.
223. Nooooooo! I only want Michael Crawford’s baby! –Vira-
224. Go get blinded. –Joe L.-
225. Wesley: I am such a dumbass!
Ceilidh: Didn’t we establish this already?
226. I’m going to go finish listening to God now. –Sam B-
227. Mongoose, can you pass the condiments that go along with a fresh start? –Sam B.-
228. You put it in your mouth and play with it. –Shoff- (it was a Jew’s harp)
229. It tickles and it hurts, like an orgasm! –overheard. Claim it. Or not.-
230. What the fuck does a solstice taste like? –Faye-
231. What is unisex underwear? –Margaret-
232. Real men don’t glitter. –Max-
233. oh goody! I evoke thoughts of botched oral sex! –Arthur-
234. Come here! I want to sing you Happy Birthday in Greek! –Little Pickle-
235. It looks like someone had a baby on your carpet. –Loie-
236. Oh look, it’s made in Japan! That explains a few things. –claim it-
237. How do you like my new Vietnamese jungle boots? –AI (Park Bench)-
238. I love Intercourse too! –AI (Park Bench)
239. I use any pronouns that are traditionally used for humans. –Dana Katznelson-
240. I’m Maddie. I have necklace OCD. –Maddie-
241. The way to win an argument with you is to appeal to Michael Crawford. –Ryan-
242. I will shun you in class until you start begging me for my proofs again! –Midori Cassou-
243. 404: Baby not found. –Declan-
244. Swiper no swiping? STOP TORTURING THE POOR FOX! –Russian Sam-
245. Do you have anything in your quotebook relating to Colin’s penis balloon? –Andy-
246. It’s nothing to do with me putting on leather. Don’t worry. –Russian Sam-
247. I’m asking everyone who’s not a white girl. –Deborah B-
249. You saved Sydney from herself! –Robin-
250. We just trust Sideshow and say “Yeah, that makes sense! –Mermelstein- (7/8)
251. Dan T: I bet no one can guess who was in my dream last night!
Shoff: Me?
Dan T: No.
Shoff: The Hedgepuss?
Dan: FUCK YOU!
252. You can’t eat your cleavage hook! –Dan T.-
253. Cleavage hooks may only be worn by men with hairy chests and they ability to make cleavage. –Dan T.-
254. It’s a candy cane down your shirt. Of course it’s awkward. –Declan-
255. Our moobs can be mooby together. –Dan T.-
256. It was an interesting experience, like “I DIDN’T SLEEP IN MY BED AT ALL THIS ENTIRE SEMESTER.” –Frank Wang-
257. Zoe: You’re adorable!
Vira: I know!
258. Rachel: Hannah Montana! That’s made to sell.
Alex N: Are you kidding me?? THAT’S ART.
259. Claim it: Carlisle closed due to swine flu!
Brandon: Citation needed!
260. This isn’t a circle anymore, it’s an amoeba. –Megan W-
261. Ryan: A roofie is a drink with a date rape drug in it.
Vira: Like Viagra?
Ryan: That’s not a date rape drug!
262. Carlisle is not a dump truck, it’s a series of flus! –claim it. Or not.-
263. Zoe: It’s NOT SWINE FLU!
William: But we can act like news reporters and say it is, panic, stick it on Fox News, and accompany it with ads for prostate medicine!
264. 12:34:56 7/8/09 –on board-
265. It’s the swine flu knocking. –Alex N.-
266. After you sneeze use Purell please! –on board-
267. Ernie Ball accidentally Daddy! –Claim it (AI, Park Bench)
268. Bill Fedullo: I accidentally Carlisle!
Dan T.: The whole site?

-AI, Park Bench-

269. –Bawls is an energy drink, not an innuendo!
-You sure?
-I can help you find out!
-AI, Park Bench-
270. Park bench is not a dumptruck, it’s a series of memes! –CLAIM IT (AI, Park Bench, obviously)
271. Sharp Object is phallic! –Arthur-
272. Dan T: I’m feeling Arthur today!
Shoff: ME TOO!
Dan T.: Not in the same way as me, Shoff!
273. What was the peak like? –Dan T. (AI, Press Conference-Arthur drank all the Bawls on campus)-
274. Did you include yours and those of others? –claim it (AI, Press Conference)-
275. –WHY ARE YOU LATE?
-Erm…I was doing the Macarena?
-AI, Late to Work-
276. You were on a boat made of zombies? –claim it (AI, Late to Work)-
277. Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, why are you made of n00bs today? –claim it-
278. Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, how many nuns could s nunchuk chuck if a nunchuk could chuck nuns?
279. You are the cutest zombie ever! –Zoe-
280. does anyone here have balls? –RA Shannon-
281. What do we do with a drunken sailor, What do we do with a drunken sailor, What do we do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning? Set Frank Wang on the drunken sailor, Set Frank Wang on the drunken sailor, Set Frank Wang on the drunken sailor, early in the morning!
282. You yell at me and then you’re screaming penis! –claim it-
283. Mike, are you afraid of parasites? –Alex N.-
284. TA Mike: My girlfriend doesn’t shave her legs.
Alex N.: AWWWWW! You have a girlfriend!
285. I have childbearing hips. –Rachel (about Sasha)-
286. Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, where do squirrels come from? –AI-
287. Zoe: Are those glowsticks?
Turtle: God, I hope so!
288. Hey Shoff, if the dance is in the ASFC, and it’s unannounced beforehand, is it s00prize! Buttsecks? –Turtle
289. 2+2=5…for extremely large values of 2. –Wesley’s shirt-
290. Wait, who’s talking about syphilis? –Margaret-
291. Were you there when I grabbed his junk? –Erik-
292. –She has no legs!
-Be a mermaid!
-Be Lieutenant Dan!
-people in reference to Ariel-
293. Come here, you foxy muffin, you! –Zoe-
294. Just touching your wrists! –Robin-
295. Ian touches people like he touches cats. Wait, WHAT? –Zoe-
296. Dimby lost for our sins! –THEO B-
297. No! Jesus! Don’t stick it in my ear! –Maddie-
298. He’s a pussy monster. He’s like Cookie Monster, but for pussy! –Arthur-
299. I saw one of your status updates. It said “I like Chinese, and little boys,” –Alex N.-
301. Please don’t sit on my face! –Max-
302. When the stars are in alignment, you may get a squeak from me. –Max-
303. Death is CTYI. –claim it. It was at AI but not in a game.-
304. You have to understand this relationship isn’t working. (I’m cheating!) –Sasha (AI, Freeze)-
305. Dan T.: Run, Maddie!
Joe L: Run Forrest Run!
Maddie: I hate that movie!
306. Claim It: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, Kirk or Picard?
Elena: For what?
307. Maddie: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, can you give my friend here a brain, and my friend here a heart, and my friend here courage, and can you bring me home to Kansas?
-No!
-What?
-NO!
-N-O!
-Never!
-Period.
-AI, Sphinx-
308. Claim it: Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, has anyone ever made fanfic about you?
-Rule.
-34.
-7.
-Hyphen.
-2.
-Yeah.
-Period.
-AI, Sphinx-
309. –Octopuses.
-Love.
-To.
-Spring.
-Forth.
-From.
-Maddie.
-Period.
-AI, Sphinx-
310. I identify as a person with feelings. –GLOWer-
311. Article 4, section 1. Go home and pass the AP Gov/Pol test. –GLOWer TA-
312. Can I do a niggly thing? –another GLOWer TA- (there were a lot)
313. “schmarriage” –RA Shae-
314. I could marry a gay man in California right now. –RA Kirsten-
315. Reindeer: Not in the Bible. –Sarah-
316. Do you need anybody? I want some CTY to love! –Ian G.- (sung to the tune of With A Little Help from my Friends)
317. I always thought that “tracts of land” would work better if it related to that other part of girls-I mean, “I am plowing your tracts of land!” -Ryan-
318. Spandex solves all the world’s problems. –Alex N.-
319. Ian, you look like a strange bird. –Rachel-
320. My pineal gland is made of God. –Miles Frankel-
321. Today was leprosy day. –Sam B.-
322. We have cripple
wretched cripple
yelling through night
what a waste of life
we have cripple
wretched cripple
Yah!
-Sasha- 323. I exist. Accept my existence. –Russian Sam- (7/10)
324. CTYers may be geniuses, but none of them cam spell “monogamy.” –Arthur-
325. Lolcats stoled my grammarz. Oh noes! –LOGC graffiti-
326. If a collection of empty trees falls in an empty forest and no one is there to hear, is it a memory leak? –logic graffiti-
327. Frank sniped me from 300 feet. –Seth-
328. …my black lacy leather pajamas. –Russian Sam-
329. I’m so obese! –Vira-
331. –I lose! Damn you, Wesley!
-Fob you Wesley Rian!
-Who the hell is Pierre?
-reactions to Keiper graffiti-
332. I’m not squishing ants, I’m spooning them –Ryan-
333. Have you seen this guy throw a Frisbee? HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GUY THROW A FRISBEE? –Robin-
334. He’s 21 and he goes to Upenn and he scares the hell out of me! But I love him anyway so I got him Starbucks yesterday! –Vira-
335. There are always more virgins. –Alex L-
336. Stop getting high off of potato chips. –Dan T.-
337. First post! First post! First post! –claim it- (AI, Park Bench)
338. Katelin will be on the park bench…with drugs. –Claim it.-
339. Zoe: Quack! Quack! Quack!
Shoff: Can I buy you?
-AI, Park Bench-
340. Claim it: Hey, I heard that just because you heard it on the Internet doesn’t make it funny!
Claim it: Lolwut?
-AI, Park Bench-
341. Watch the RAs in their natural habitat! –Shoff- (AI, Freeze)
342. I’m not strangling you, I’m just giving you a neck massage! –Bill-
343. Scrub his memory out with Oxyclean!-Dan
344. Describing human reproduction is not okay, but EATING BABIES is fine? –Sarah-
345. How is babby eaten? –Shoff-
346. Claim it: That’s PDA!
Shoff: Not mod 3!
347. Oh Great and Mighty Sphinx, if I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together, where does your mother fit into this? –Zoe-
348. Center for Talented Xylophones. –claim it-
349. Oh, so this is acupuncture? -Yida C-
350. It’s about incest…in CANADA! –Shoff-
351. My skirt will NOT be used for bondage! –Zoe-
352. Whoever can rhyme “style” with “pow” has to learn to SPEAK ENGLISH! –Wesley R-
353. Something has happened! Black Eyed Peas is evolving! –Sam B-
354. Anyone want to massage it? –Margaret-
355. Now my retarded pinkie is up by itself! –Alex N-
356. There’s crumbs up my BUTT HOLE! –Alex N-
357. I’M NAKED! I’M SO NAKED! –Alex N-
358. Wrong day for a tour? –F and M tourist- (7/11, Second Saturday)
359. Turtle hypothesizes that I’ll explode. –Sam B-
360. CTY has a nice butt! CTY we love you! I sound like I smoke, I sound like I smoke! CTY we love you! –Arthur-
361. I probably inadvertently caused a bomb scare. –Dana-
362. Durmstrangian Sam, your boobs are so perky! –Declan-
363. Where were you with your quotebook during the conversation about how Aaron needs to put his boob back on his feet? –Wesley-
364. My boobs are bigger than yours. –Aaron-
(NOTE: At bottom of this page is a very sketchy looking stain with a line around it. The stain and line have an arrow pointing to them and the words “BIOHAZARD (was in Shoff’s mouth)” are written next to it.
365. Why do dresses get shorter in the back?? –Joey B-
366. If some peple have pet rocks, I can have half a pet mouse. –Magician at Central Market-
367. This will make Ian sparkle, like Edward Cullen. –Claim it-
368. Aren’t you wearing clothes underneath your clothes? –Brandon-
369. My crotch already hurts enough. –Sasha-
370. Hey wait! I can stand! –Sasha-
371. Oh my god, circulation to balls. –Sasha-
372. I decided my previous outfit wasn’t scandalous enough. –Sanchez-
373. People told me I look like I have three nipples. –claim it-
374. You have a monthly shower? –claim it-
375. Wesley, you cannot do boobs. –Dana-
376. I haven’t grabbed your boobs in an attempt to make you flip a damn HAT before! –Wesley-
377. Turtle: What’s you name on the name train?
Wesley: 3.14159265358979323…
Turtle: Pi! Pi! Pi pi pi! Hop on the name train!
378. Turtle: What’s your name on the name train?
Zoe: Stop! Don’t touch me there! This is my private…
Turtle: Old meme! Old meme! Old meme old meme old meme! Hop on the name train!
379. Turtle: What’s YOUR name on the name train?
Sam B.: YOU! SHALL NOT! PASS!

• charges name train*
  
• name train=dead*
  

380. It’s nice to know someone who has equally as much sex as I do! –Erik-
381. What’s this about an ICE PICK, Sasha? –Wesley-
382. We’re being relatively happy and listening to the Velvet Underground. –Joey F.- (7/12)
383. I saw Ian as Frank and I…JIZZED. IN MY PANTS. –Erik-
384. Holy fuck sandwich with fuck on top! –Sam B.-
385. I have the edible one. –Shoff-
386. God is cubeless. –Shoff-
387. Right after you make the Pertussis Techno Remix. –Sam B.-
388. “His gaze that of a bad tempered leper…” Ian Mackinnon reading “adult book”
389. Well, the guy has wings. Maybe that other guy can turn into a leopard! –Maddie-
390. You turned the page and the first words I saw were “spanked her ass.” –Wesley-
391. Don’t be sorry, be HEALTHY! –Vira-
392. Tell Ryan he’s still my false idol. –Joey F.-
393. Then I’ll look like an Intercourse whore! –Alex N-

394. Hooray for parliamentary procedure! –Sam B.-
395. Do you remember the three Rs from childhood? Repetition, Redundancy, Repetition?
396. –It’s porn!
-With wings!
-And words!
-And lepers!
-Claim them-
397. Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka… -Turtle-
398. Sasha (reading Those Darn Squirrels): They drank cherry cola and ate salt and vinegar chips to help them stay awake.
Claim it: No Bawls?
399. Just kind of a disclaimer: this is not my life story. –Sasha
400. If you watch Firefly backwards, the execs are still assholes. -Sasha-
401. If you read this thread backwards, it’s still not funny!-Turtle
402. “Old Comrade Fookweier…” –Sasha-
403. Come on, angels! We can do this! We can PRETEND to do this! –RA Clare-
404. QUOTE NOT FOUND
405. I don’t think the author of Charlotte’s Web wrote that epic. –Zoe-
406. The Mad Hatter’s hair was white. I know because I find it terribly attractive. -Vira-
407. Frank, we thought you were the princess! –Claim it-
408. We’re not taking our shirts off! –Little Pickle-
409. Zoe: $140 for that?
Rachel: It’s RUSSIAN!
410. She has no name, therefore she is “fruit flavored loops.” –Quanah Potts-
411. We have Dimby/great big Dimby/teaching through night/she beautiful sight/we have Dimby/great big Dimby. YAH! –THEO B-
412. Bowser kidnapped Peach and brought her to the Coney Island Disco Palace! –William-
413. I’m at the power plant! I’m at the orphanage! I’m at the combination power plant and orphanage! –Alcove-
414. Tom Riddle’s bisexual? –Turtle-
415. My IQ points are floating away. I can see them in the trees. –Aneesa S-
416. Fanfic: My friend B’loody Mary Smith…there’s an apostrophe there…
Max: Is she a Klingon?
417. Best autobiography ever. –Alex Lu-
418. Is Madam Pomfrey also a Satanist? –Max-
419. V. I supposed that means very? Or victimized? Or vagina? –Russian Sam-
420. That was the exact same chapter! Including the bondage! –Russian Sam-
421. Black! Blood red miniskirt! –Russian Sam-
422. Treat the dining hall staff better than you treat your own mama. –announcements-
423. Whenever a programmer does something and you don’t know how they did it, it was Perl. –Sam B- (7/13)
424. I’m very glad Tara Gilesbie will never meet Campbell. –Sam B.-
425. It’s like a jigsaw puzzle but with tenses. –Rachel-
426. Orwell would kill you. –Seth-
427. If you do this, you will have a good relationship, with a cute guy that has a soft face that you can touch. –Rachel-
428. –I’m the only one who tried to make realistic lesions and not gunshot wounds.
-I like my gunshot wounds!
-HDIS kids-
429. This has been part of my life since I was this high. *holds hand at knee height*My daddy farted a lot. –Russian Sam-
430. I changed all of my interests and now I come off as, like, wiggy. –Seth-
431. My country is “sexy Peru.” –Seth-
432. Got loli? –I don’t know who said it first. Claim it!-
433. Claim it:…in a big-ass rock.
Turtle: What’s an ass-rock?
434. Property of Enemy Enoby EBONY –Alex Lu’s sign-
435. Noporn!noporn!noporn! What? –Max-
436. Would you like to buy a ShamWOW? –claim it- (AI, Park Bench)
Max: If that’s not a euphemism, I don’t know what is.
437. Joke I say at every AI! Joke I say at every AI! –Dan T.- (AI, Park Bench)
438. Hi, I forgot who I borrowed my clothes from on Second Saturday. Could you try this bra on? –Russian Sam- (AI, Park Bench)
439. GIMME YOUR WALLET AND EXPLAIN THE FIVE RULES OF NATURAL NUMBERS! –Shoff- (AI, game unknown)
440. Arthur: Hi, I don’t have any jokes, but could you recommend some fanfic I could quote from?
Turtle: We have mean joke! Stupid mean joke!
441. When you spin your math test around it doesn’t make more sense. –Sasha-
442. Next time you dress up, put stilettos on instead of those high boots! –RA Shannon- (AI, Freeze. Partner was Erik.)
443. Mafia has evolved into Silent Football! –Sam B.-
444. Humping the window will make it all better. –claim it-
445. That’s too goffik for us. –Russian Sam-
446. Srs business done. Back to fanfic porn! –Andy-
447. Porn? Where? –Wesley-
448. No! There’s no more porn! Oh, wait, there is. –Claim it-
449. I think they’re like those black platinum leather boots. –Ben Reis-
450. He loves my beautiful shin too much to do that. –Turtle- (7/14)
451. We should put these in a database and sort them by date, who said them, and awesome rating. –Turtle-
452. Sam B.: TURTLE YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE FOREVER!
Max: What did he do?
Sam B.: He told me how he wishes people happy birthday.
Turtle: Happy reminder your parents had sex day!
453. Overweight for an Asian! –Vira-
454. I do not want to shave my pubes, or armpit hair, or any more parts of me. –Sasha-
455. You have friends that are normal and don’t sit around on weekends listening to Flight of the Conchords. –Sasha-
456. The phrase “here are my pants” occurs more at CTY than you may think.-Max-

458. I don’t think that improper fractions can be used for bondage, at least not in any way I know of. –Joe L-
459. Sex doesn’t have that scent. –Ian M.-

461. Are you aware that there is a lack of CTYA jokes pertaining to this? –Alex Lu- (AI, Press Conference: Rachel discovered the element of surprise)
462. Did I discover a new element pertaining to Elena? –Rachel L.- 9AI, Press Conference)
463. Are you aware that you’re so close that it hurts? –Dan T.-(AI, press conference)
464. Claim it: O Great and Mighty Sphinx, does size have any proportion to coherence?
-Well. –Absolutely. –Not. –That. –I –Know. –Pumpkin.
465. Hi, I’m Vira and I like Ross’s glasses. –Vira, GLOW-
466. Does anyone know how far away China is from Wizarding World? –Sydney-
467. Hi Sanchez! You were awesome last night! –Zoe- (7/15)
468. I want to learn Morse code, so if I ever end up having sex… -Andy-
469. This is a sad song! –Erik- (reacting to Rickroll)
470. It’s never too early for Brokenside! –Mermelstein-
471. Hymens don’t bust from being looked at. –Andy-
472. Turtle: It’s a furry fomite!
Max: But an adorable furry fomite!
473. Turtle: Do you want head lice! Yes I want head lice! Do you want Arthur?
Arthur: RAWR!
474. WHERE’S THE QUOTEBOOK WHEN YOU NEED IT? Maddie recited an ode to Elena’s vagina! –Sam B.-
475. Come on guys. It’s not like I went online, ordered “pants Megan Fox wears in Transformers,” and had them sent here! –Alex N.-
476. It can go from giving birth to a whale to crab soccer. –Dan T.
477. How can I molest a small child in a non-CTYI way? –Elena-
478. I hate finishing cough drops. –Fifi Y-
479. Stop feeling the hardness of my legs. –Andrew-
480. Wasians vs. Wasians. –Seth-
481. Is that a sexist comment? –Pop Cult-
482. RECURSION RECURSION RECURSION RECURSION… -Everyone-
483. All because of sexism! –TA Mike-
484. Phallic crystal is phallic. –Brenton Whiting-
485. Can I have a caramel machiatto, hobbit style? –instructor Bryan Cardella-
486. Who likes opera? I like it fine, but I'd like it better if they stuck translators nexxt to every singer so you could tell what they were talking about. Like this. *Italian singing, tenor* Where were you last night? *Italian singing, soprano* I was with your brother Luigi! –Bryan Cardella-
487. *Italian singing, tenor* You are a female dog and should go copulate with yourself! (Audience laughs) That was CTYI. Maybe. –Bryan Cardella-
488. Ross Perot! “Can I finish, Larry, can I finish?” None of you get that, but that’s OK! –Bryan Cardella-
489. “Indo-Celtic Anti-Folk” –Sarah P., Arthur S. and (what was his name?)’s title at talent show-
490. Support for this podcast comes from Allied Bank. –talent show-
491. Zoe: Which RA is that?
Max: I think it’s a prep.
492. It’s the most prestigious pickle presentations festival in the world. –RA Joey at talent show-
493. RA Joey: they have some cult that dress in bathrobes called the Alcave!
RA Charlie: I think that’s “Alcove.”
RA Joey: No, I think it’s “Alcave.” Like the dangerous mudblood group.
494. Sorry, we don’t allow nuts here. –Ian G-
495. DEATH NOTE SHIRT! DEATH NOTE SHIRT! –girls on stairs on the way back from ASFC-
496. You never know how many calories you burn building a chair. –Lilly-
497. BAD straight boy! –Erik-
498. Nooooo! Leave my orifices alone! –Max-
499. That should be a Presidential campaign. In every man’s hair, a fornicating bunny! –Max-
500. Shoff: My fellow Americans, God is Cubeless!
Ari: That’s not funny. You can’t tell the difference between that and George Bush’s actual speeches.
501. One part cranberry, two parts orange juice, five parts root beer, it’s delicious. –Joe L., Mongoose-
502. Pika-shoes! –Pop Cult blackboard-
503. If you finish early, write a sonnet about what you’ve learned. –TA Mike-
504. When I get home, I’m going to put you in my interests on Facebook, Mike! –Seth-
505. Zoe: If I get 4 more quotes, I will have gotten 42 quotes today.
Alex N: *glare* I bleed baby oil.
506. “Def Semiotix Jam” –TA Mike-
507. Victoria exploded on me! –girl in stairwell-
508. Contrary to popular belief, the phrase “go copulate with yourself” is CTYI. Don’t even think about it. –announcements-
(So I didn’t get 42 quotes…*sadface* Vira you’d better do that next year.)
509. If you wear this, you have an automatic “get some” guarantee. –Mongoose- (Quote 20: Recursion recursion recursion!)
510. Beer fighting cancer? The world is coming to an end. –Russian Sam-
511. Large man hug! Large man hug! Large man hug! –large men-
512. LARGE MAN BABIES! LARGE MAN BABIES! LARGE MAN BABIES! –large men-
513. Ian, I wish you were my little mixed baby. –Alex N-
514. This song is way too long for imaginary glowsticks. –Mongoose-
515. Beep beep….vvvvvvvvvt! –Arthur- (Arthur: there is a Frank Zappa album on which that actually happens. Listen to Joe’s Garage.)
516. We’ll have an intellectual orgy right now. –Robin-
517. Can we have it on the floor? –Robin-
518. It’s a letter, but it’s also something else…because of convergence! –Rachel-
519. Alex N.: You abandon us for Ian that quickly?
Erik: Sorry guys, none of you have a penis like he does!
520. Hello! I’m Sasha! I am your son. –Sasha-
521. I live my life like I live a giant AI game. –Sasha-
522. Life would have no point if I knew what was going on. –Sasha-
523. You know what I say to all of you? *looks around* Hey Shae! *laughter, then more pause* Just go copulate with yourself! –Dan T-
524. Dan T: Thanks for missing part of my speech!
Rachel: I thought you were done! I needed sugar!
525. And to continue the theme of absolute pleasure, we have… -Mermelstein-
526. So. Happiness. If I had a monkey in one hand and a muffin in the other, I’d be pretty happy. –Elena-
527. Hi, I’m Verity. Do you want sexual or depressing? –Verity-
528. Just say it relates QED. –Ari-
529. Speeches with content mean responsibility. I condemn that! –Mongoose-
530. All right Ian, let me have my two seconds of fame! –Alex N.-
531. Birdhouse In Your Soul: Countless screaming Argonauts…
THEO B, Turtle, Mongoose: FATALITY!
532. CTY HAS A NICE BUTT!
CTY WE LOVE YOU!
I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE A VOICE TOMORROW, I’M NOT GOING TO HAVE A VOICE TOMORROW!
CTY WE LOVE YOU!
CTY HAS A NICE BUTT!
CTY WE LOVE YOU!
BUT I DON’T CARE, I DON’T CARE!
CTY WE LOVE YOU!
–Zoe- (shouted from Thomas 3)
533. Robin is such a MILF! I’m JK guys. I actually am. –Margaret-
534. Zoe, are we compatible? Can we have children? –Lilly-
535. I think that George Bush would have been such a better Dark Lord if someone rubbed him down in baby oil. –Alex N-
536. Stand up if I love you. THAT MEANS ALL OF YOU. –Dan T.- (7/17)
537. I brought the soul of Sarah Hackney for you all to revel in. –Sarah P-
538. You can eat me if worse comes to worse. –Dan T-
539. Hatred is so cute! –Rachel-
540. Dan T: Don’t take off your clothes.
Rachel: But Dan…
Dan T: Well, all of them, anyway.
541. I’m trying here! They gave me coffee drink! –Rachel-
542. And now to fulfill my Blammo needs, I will pick this up *picks orgasm juice up* and carry it around while I talk! –Sasha-
543. There are two ways to live: as if nothing is a miracle and if everything is a miracle. –Winston Churchill, quoted in Sasha's speech. Breaking the original content rule beacuse it's that awesome.-
544. I know what I want, and I hope it’s OK, and I have to take my calculator out of my pocket. –Verity-
545. We’re going to pretend that we used this last year. Shhhh! –Mongoose-
546. I didn’t think it was possible to be a flaming bisexual, but it is. –Rachel-
547. Like a satanic death cult, I’m going to drink the punch. –Arthur-
548. My artistic sensibility will not let the camera focus on 300 pounds of sugar. So Ari will go pace in front of the camera while I give my speech. DANCE PUPPET, DANCE! –Alex Lu-
549. I don’t even remember if my dorm had lights. –Alex Lu-
550. OMG, I can see over everyone! –Little Pickle-
551. Little Pickle: If you die in CTY, you die in the real world too.
Rachel: It’s like Canada?
552. Hi, I’m Joe, and I’m an alcohol-wrong speech. –Joe L-
553. 7 years and nine sessions later, they still haven’t lost their mojo. –Katelin-
554. Why can’t I be the guy at prom who does this? *does triangle dance* -CLAIM IT-
555. I wish I had some Bawls. –Maddie-v 556. GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS GERMS—G-G-G-G-G-GERMS! GERMS! –Shoff, Andy-
557. I love CTY, and I love the Passionfruit, and I HATE FRUIT JUICE! Someone else drink! –Aaron G-
558. I learned to love openly, and tackle people when I play Frisbee!- Kate D-
559. I like germs…as FRIENDS. -Michelle-
560. Would it be appropriate to put a comment about DRL Matt on the instructional eval? –Rachel-
561. Before you graduate, use Purell please! –TA Mike-
562. When I grow up, I want to be a sprinkler. –Sam R-
563. That only attracts gay men. They hear “boing boing boing” and think “hey, I know that sound!” –Erik-
564. Turtle:Wanna try some alternative medicine?
Max: Some what?
Turtle: Some alternative medicine!
Max: Does it work?
Turtle: Of course it works!
Max: Let me hear it work.
Turtle: Get back to work!
-HDIS skit-
565. Hey! No breaking the fourth wall! Only I get to do that! –Turtle- (HDIS skit)
566. This hospital sucks. I’m going to buy Tamiflu on the internet. –HDIS skit-
567. Can you take a picture of the three of us-I MEAN FOUR! –Max’s dad-
568. I LOVE YOU –graffiti on Quad sidewalk, written in huge Sharpie-

19.1: Grace Chen

"Grandpa Joe deserves the guillotine" - Annabelle

“Let’s do guided medication” - Deej Cunniffe, misreading the guided meditation activity

“Let’s cut back on the orgies....... chants” - Site director Tony Lilly (Big Man Tony)

"Charlie is the weird kid who sits in a corner and eats DIRT" - Allison Mak, with love