Silent Football
Contents
What is Silent Football?
Silent Football is the greatest game ever. Silent Football is played with 7 or more players. 1 of whom, is Mr. Dictator. These players sit in a circle so that everyone can see every player's knees. This circle of players is called "The Universe" and everything outside the universe does not exist. When the game starts free speech is revoked and players may not speak unless called upon by Mr. Dictator. Players pass the Silent Football and try as hard as they can not to screw up. If a player screws up he or she may be awarded Penance Points. When a player reaches 5 Penance Points, the game is over, the player has lost, and all other players have not lost. The player who has lost must then perform an embarrassing action. This can be very funny.
One can move the Silent Football around the universe in 4 ways. 2 offensive moves and 2 defensive moves.
Offensive moves
The first offensive move is called the Fwap. One performs a fwap by hitting one's knees in combinations of right knee and left knee. One must hit their right knee with their right hand and their left knee with their left hand. Doing otherwise would be silly, and a player may recieve Penance Points.
Every hit of the right knee moves the Silent Football a space to the right. Every hit of the left knee moves the Silent Football one space to the left. One may hit their knees in any combination of rights and lefts with a few restrictions.
- At no time may the Silent Football exceed 3 spaces to the right or left of a player.
- At no time may one pass the Silent Football to or through oneself. This is called a Cold Rush of Air.
- If one receives the Silent Football from a fwap, a player may not change the direction of said fwap.
- A player may fwap a fwap, but no player may fwap a fwapped fwap.
The second offensive move is called the Zoom. The zoom is performed by extending your right arm in a fist and making eye contact with the player you wish to zoom to. The player whom you make eye contact to is passed the silent football. The fist does not indicate direction.
- A player may zoom a zoom, but a player may not zoom a zoomed zoom
Defensive moves
The first defensive move is the Shrug. The shrug is performed just as the name implies. One raises one's shoulders. The shrug passes the Silent Football back to the player whom passed it.
- One may shrug a shrug, but one may never shrug a shrugged shrug.
The second defensive move is the Shrotum. The shrotum is performed by taking one's left hand and placing it horizontally across one's chest. Then placing one's right elbow on one's left fingers, and placing one's right fingers on one's temple. The shrug passes the Silent Football back to the player whom passed it.
- One may shrodum a shrotum, but one may never shrotum a shrotumed shrotum.
Now you may ask, why two moves? They do the same thing. Wrong. They are different. They are pronounced differently, they are spelled differently, and they are performed differently. Another important rule about shrotums and shrugs, and this is the most important rule. Breaking this rule is like dividing the universe by zero.
ONE MAY NEVER SHRUG A SHROTUM OR SHROTUM A SHRUG
Tattling
If one sees a player break one of the rules of Silent Football a player may raise one's hand in order to inform Mr. Dictator of the rule breaking. Here is the proper procedure for tattling:
- Raise your hand
- Wait to be addressed by Mr. Dictator
- The first two words out of a player's mouth must be Mr. Dictator.
- State your concern
There are a few restrictions to your speech.
- One may never refer to a player by their real name, at the beginning one gives themself an in-game name.
- One may not refer to other players using pronouns, for pronouns degrade people and make them feel bad.
- One may refer to yourself with pronouns such as I, me, or my.
- One may refer to hallucinations with pronouns, for they are not people.
- When tattling on a player for using a heinous pronoun one must encase the pronoun in quotes by saying
- "Mr. Dictator, player X has used the heinous pronoun quote he unquote."
- Airquotes are not quotes. They indicate love of bunny rabbits. If airquotes are used, then one will be asked if one loves bunny rabbits. If one says no one will recieve penance points for perjury.
Hallucinations
All that exists is The Universe. If one reacts to a person or thing outside of The Universe one is obviously reacting to hallucinations which are the result of hallucinogens.
- Food and drink are part of the universe and are not hallucinations.
- If a hallucination blocks view of knees then Mr. Dictator may allow the Universe to lick and/or tackle said hallucination.
- If one pulls up grass, one must eat it. Otherwise it is not food and is a hallucination.
Losing Silent Football
Once one has attained 5 penance points one has lost. The Universe must decide up proper compensation for having disrupted The Universe so deeply. The loser must perform an embarrassing action. For example dressing up funny for a whole day. However, this cannot involve unwillful volunteers. For instance, having to rape and/or grab the buttocks of that attractive head cheerleader is not acceptable penance unless said cheerleader agrees to it.
--Jeff Sachs 14:58, 10 Aug 2005 (MST)
